This is probably the only post you will ever read in which I express dating concern or details about my love life, or lack thereof. This entry will also probably be riddled with vague assumptions and horrible gender stereotypes. Bite me.
I feel very strongly about independence. I have made the last few years of my life solely about personal growth and clearing a path. I’ve never been lonely, I have the most amazing support group of friends, family and even co-workers. So I’ve never really felt like I was missing out on a lot by not dating. I think it’s pathetic that some people NEED to date, all the time.
But suddenly things are changing. My friends are getting married, having kids, moving in with boyfriends and embarking on incredible careers or educational endeavours. While I left the whole “college scene” nearly two years ago, I’m still at the point in my life where I’m nowhere near doing any of these things. I’m perfectly fine with where I am (although I’m nowhere near where I want to be), but suddenly I feel launched into uncertainty. I’m almost 24 years old.
I have never been in love. I have never dated. I have never had anyone “court” me. Guys have never been attracted to me past anything physical. This isn’t the total truth; the guys I’m attracted to are not attracted to me. A lot of this is largely attributed to the fact I often chase gorgeous, arrogant assholes…but then again, not always the case. It certainly wasn’t with the past few nerds I’ve crushed on.
This whole guy thing is exhausting. To put yourself out there constantly and to experience nothing but rejection…well, it’s baffling. I’ve cared about so many guys, and not one has cared about me. The frequency of which guys have overtly wronged me is outstanding, the most common situation being the guy (sometimes a friend) losing interest in me for one of my friends. Or taking advantage of my naivety and ditching me once they get what they need. And damn that sucks, when you get used by a guy. Most guys will never understand the personal torture a girl experiences when they realize they’ve been used. It’s a very defeating, personal feeling.
I dole out relationship advice to my friends on a daily basis. Break-ups, hook-ups, crushes, you name it. I’m practically a fucking expert based on observation. And how easy it is to judge someone who has never been committed! I dodge my mother’s penetrating questions on a daily basis. My biggest pet peeve is when someone says, “Oh, but you don’t really understand.” Like 23 years of rejection doesn’t qualify as heartbreak. Like I don’t know high expectations and disappointment.
The only good thing about 23 years of rejection is I’ve developed a tough skin. What once felt like a gunshot now feels like a slow sedative. It takes me a week to recover, max. Lately I just throw myself into it, I mean really, what’s there to lose?
I just feel…insulted. I know there are no rules in dating. I know people prefer different things. But come on, really? I’ve had conversations with 10 year old Girl Guides who have had serious relationships. I’ve had to lie to them about my ex boyfriend named Bob just so I wouldn’t seem like a freak. I don’t fucking get it. I have more friends than I can deal with (literally, I haven’t seen my cousin since before she had her baby and she lives about 20 minutes away), I’m attractive, I’m successful, and I have brains. What the fuck? Are people lying to me? Am I delusional? To think that personality means anything, oh boy!
Am I even capable of dating anymore? I don’t have the slightest idea aboutwhat intimacy is. If someone gave me a flower, I wouldn’t know what to do with it. And that makes me sad, because life should be filled with those things. Please don’t comment and say things like, “But you’re so young!” or “You’re just being too picky!” I mean seriously, even picky people put aside their qualms at some point.
Sorry, I’m just really tired. I don’t necessarily want to date anyone, I have a feeling some big changes are in store (I hope) that won’t allow me to do so anyway, and if I had a choice to pick travel or love right now, I’d pick travel. But you know, sometimes it’d be nice to feel desired. Or not to get shot down just once. I love my guy friends to pieces, and they’re so good to me, but my god the way I hear women being discussed is so devastatingly discouraging I want to stick my head in the oven. Tucker Max, you’ve certainly filled a generation with assholes. Thanks for that.
Well, that’s it. See? I do have feelings. And just for the record, I’m not changing for anybody.
In other news, my horoscope has been effing outstanding lately:
You are at a phase in your life when you should be teaming up with others and initiating some sort of action that resonates with your inner being, Candice. This scenario might not be blatantly obvious at this time, but be on the lookout for sudden bursts of energy and unexpected events to crop up and hit you in the face. These energies are alerting you to the fact that there is a much larger trend moving through your life that you might not be aware of right now. Stand back from your every day routine and get a greater perspective on your life direction.
I have spent the last 30 min writing and re-writing this comment and still I can’t put into words what I am trying to say. So just take my word for it that your super awesome.
Chris, I’m glad you spent that much time just trying to say anything at all.
Thank you!
Men must be stupid and/or blind. You’re pretty, witty and cool, and I know that just by reading your blog ! I hope a nice guy will notice that soon.
Thanks Carine! Love hearing from new faces.
<3
honestly, I’m sure what else to say other than-I understand and identify completely with this! Being used sucks. seriously, it’s like this post came directly from my brain. i hear ya. keep on keeping on…I see some hot Greek guys in your future!!
Hahaha, there better damned well be!
I feel your pain darling, only I’ve got 5 years on you and still have no idea what it feels like to be in a relationship. No idea if it’s possible for me to be in a relationship at this point. I’d like to maybe try and find out someday!
Blows my mind that you’re a gorgeous lawyer and in the same boat as me. WTF world?
Just keep trying.
Pretty much no other option, eh?
Nothing I can say will fix the situation so suffice to say I think you rock.
JoAnna, that means a lot coming from you!
My lord I don’t think I’ve ever read a post that I have identified with more. Every single word (except for your age) that was written could have come from my hand. I am in the exact same situation and it seems like I’m either A. Head over heals in crush and am sure that “this time” the boy will be different. This time he will actually not lose interest. This time he actually likes me. B. I’m hurt as hell. I examine every angle of the situation to try to figure out what I misread, to try to figure out what I did wrong. (I am currently here fuckshitdamnit.) Or C. I am in give up stage.Where I am not interested in anyone. (I wish I could spend more time there.) I am like you. I’m to the point where I am done with games. I just want to know how he is feeling. I have been putting my self out there more and more and I’m not sure if it makes being shut down any easier, but at least you know the failed relationship wasn’t your fault. Oh Candice, I have been wanting to write about this every day, but these boys read my blog and I can’t. I hate that you feel the same way, but it really does make me feel better to know I’m not the only one who feels that way. It’s really difficult to be at a time in our lives where everyone seems so happy in their relationships. I feel like I am the only one who obsesses or worries about these things….Maybe I’m too nice or too honest. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the damn blog.
Sorry for the rant.
And you do rock by the way… Boys are just stupid as fuck!
We’ve already talked about this by now but yeah, messed up huh? Everybody knows my past mostly so it’s no big deal anymore. I’m just frustrated.
I met my fiance through EHarmony because I did not feel that I could find someone I related to nearby without it. I considered it a pathetic move at first – desperate and humbling. However, even through the rejection from some on there, it taught me a lot about who I was and what I wanted. And eventually lead me to Nathan.
I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t give up. I’m not going to feed you the lines (Your time will come, You’re truly wonderful and someone will see that some day, etc) not because they aren’t true, but because they never helped me. Sometimes it takes doing something you swore you’d never do to get you in the place you want to be.
The online dating scene didn’t work too well for me but I blame this mostly on the city I live in…there’s something like a 5:1 girl to guy ratio, seriously. But you are SO right Ashley, risks are worth taking.
I don’t have the words to describe what men do but I totally understand it. I know what you’re thinking, yeah I’ve had serious relationships, but I too have experienced a great deal of rejection. I think that men are really intimidated by independent girls who have it “going on”. Most guys will go for the quickie if they can. I dunno. Men are assholes, even the good ones. Hang in there!
Btw, this is one of the most well written blog posts I’ve ever read. Please know that you are awesome!!! The right guy will realize that one day.
Thanks Camile, so glad to hear your opinions!
Welcome to your 1/4 life crisis, just think of it as preparation for the midlife one!
My little sister got married and had kids 2 years ago, which put me in panic mode for a bit and I got into a bad relationship and made bad decisions in that. I would have been far better off staying single.
I’m sure you felt better after venting this, but really at the end of the day it doesn’t matter and isn’t worth worrying about, someone may be around the corner for you.
Hahaha don’t worry, if it’s one thing I won’t do, it’s settle for anything I don’t want. I hope you’re right!
The dating world is fucking hard till it gets eerily easy. That’s my only advice. I always felt very similar to you. In fact, it still feels surreal to be in a relationship right now (and frickin’ married!) because I did spend so many years completely independent, wandering why guys were so idiotic and blind. I pretty much said screw them all. And hell if I’m changing for anybody. Keep rocking out like you are now. It’s worth the wait. And the assholes you have to go through. lol.
Nice hearing it come from someone who went through the same thing, thanks Nancy! You’re lucky to have a man who shares all your passions, you seem like a great duo.
Oh, Candice, this really touches me. It’s great that you know yourself so well that you realize now might not be a good time to be starting a relationship anyway. I agree with Nancy that the dating world can be really rocky and then it can start to smoothen out. Maybe you’re giving off an ‘I’m independent’ vibe or some other vibe that guys are subconsciously picking up on that tells them you don’t truly want anyone right now. I fully believe that everyone emanates subconscious hints about ourselves at all times. Your subconscious self may be telling guys Get Away for some reason. You’re such a winner, there just aren’t many other explanations for your current lack of guys.
Thanks, Sabina! Funny, I get told that a lot, that the “independence” thing scares men off. Seems to be true, although I’ve always taken it to be a quality. Damn men! So confusing.
I apologize for not commenting sooner. I’ve been out of the blog-reading loop for a bit. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that it never ends. You will meet someone. As you start dating your new love, you’ll see friends getting engaged. You’ll want to be engaged. As you get engaged, you’ll have ten weddings to attend within a three month span and wish it was your wedding. When your wedding day arrives, you’ll get back from your honeymoon and have to buy 15 baby shower gifts and you’ll wish you were pregnant. [even if you don't want kids.] And then, as your friends are having to wipe their babies’ shitty asses, you will take a deep breath and realize you are right where you need to be and your shitty baby asses will come soon enough but not too soon that you won’t have time to enjoy being married. [trust me, I've been where you are and where you'll be]
Hahahaha, god you are so right. Although I’m already lightyear behinds everyone.
Stay the course and don’t change a thing.
No way with your wit, beauty, charm and brains what you write about can continue for much longer.
Good things all around are coming vis-a-vis the right guy (or already are there and you don’t realize it yet).
Thank you thank you thank you for your lovely words.