Alright, I get that a lot of athletes don’t consider the gym to be the optimal place to get fit or practice their sport.
But when I go for a nice work out, I take it seriously. I’m there to get sweaty and smelly so that LATER I can look and feel good. And there’s just some people out there who think the gym is a fucking nightclub.
I realize that my gym is smack-dab in the middle of downtown St. John’s where all the suits go immediately after 5 p.m., but come on. Gold bracelets? Heavy cologne?
You’re probably a gym douchebag if…
You don’t wash off your make-up before the gym. I saw a girl last week walking out of the trainer’s room and I was SHOCKED by how much make-up she wore…not just because she was in a gym, but because it was A LOT of make-up. Like someone had shot her in the face with a make-up gun. It wasn’t even acceptable for a night out on the town.
You let your long hair flow. Oh god. This girl yesterday…long, curled blonde hair while she pranced about on the treadmill for five minutes. All dainty and delicate, like a deer. THEN she stood in the front of the mirror, tucked up her t-shirt to expose her belly, AND STARTED DOING LUNGES. Filthy harlot.
You hog the water fountain to fill your bottle. There’s like TEN PEOPLE behind you asshole, I’m sweating like a whore in church and you’re taking 30 minutes to fill your industrial fucking Nalgene bottle while casually chatting with your buddy. COURTESY, PLEASE?
You’re there to pick up. I’ve run into at least three older men downtown who recognized me from my gym and used it as a conversation starter. Listen greasebag, I’ve seen you in your spandex nut-huggers and I am not impressed.
You lift weights, and only weights. So as long as you have bulging biceps, who cares if your heart tanks, right? Psh, cardio is for the weak.
You don’t sweat. Because sweating is gross, and if you do it too much, your hair might become frizzy or your pit stains will surely repel the ladies.
You offer tips. One time I was doing the leg-lift when I had just started going to the gym, and some ancient dude wanders over and tries to help me and I’m just laughing my ass off and being all, “For real?” Because I don’t want to be a body-builder, I just want toned thighs. And having a 60 year old man help out an 18 year old girl is kinda scary.
So the gym kinda is a good place to find a date, considering if you’re a fit person, you probably want to meet another fit person. In fact, I’m in love with this dude who always goes to my gym with curly, long hair and a stern gaze and a quiet demeanour and oh goodness, he’s dreamy.
But please, talk to me when I’m not in the middle of a work-out. And understand I’m not the kind of girl who is afraid to break a nail, and I have a giant water blister on my toe, and I probably smell funny after running my ass off. And my face turns red and that’s okay, because it means I’m progressing. And you know what that means? I can take that blonde Barbie bimbo down in an arm wrestling match any day.
Does this make me a gym douchebag? Probably. Leave me a nasty comment so I can use my anger to fuel more energy into pumping iron. Dick.
P.S. Totally dreamt I was a bikini model last night. Douchebag confirmed.
I used to work out with a younger woman and all the guys would approach me talk to her. They thought I was her mother. Add that to the douchebag list.
I once had some random give me a “tip” about one of those ab machines. I tried it and I think I nearly got torn in half.
Re: makeup and hair, I agree, and that stuff is unnecessary, because a girl with no makeup, hair tied up, all sweaty and gross, is pretty much the sexiest thing on the planet.
bahahaahahahaha. loves. ;D
but my make up is subtle, i’m the doctor and i’m put together, make up… not 80s hooker make up… ;D
When I go to gym right from work, I probably never wash off my make up… i am hugely lazy.
i also try to never fill water bottle if people are waiting. but i’m never at the gym when it’s that busy ;P i think i might stick to the gym near work after i move, your gym sounds scary….
I accidentally wore my Raybans through an entire work out because I forgot to take them off after driving over. I have never looked, nor felt any douchier than I did that day.
It was AWESOME.
You haven’t seen anything till you have come to SK. This is the vainest society I have ever seen. Guys will stand in front of the mirror doing their curls as slowly as they can so they can see the muscle moving . But wait your hair got messed up a bit so you have to stop and fix it in the mirror for 5 mins before starting up your workout again. It’s F’ing ridiculous and god forbid you do something not like them. They have to fix every little move they think is wrong. Oh and I bet that old man in the nut-huggers is dreaming of you as a bikini model too. : )
My face turns red too. And i can’t handle the women who CLEARLY wear tiny shorts and shirts so the rest of us normal people can feel awful…
Ugh. There are so many gym dbs out there. I actually went to a women’s only gym for a while to avoid both the muscle heads and then ladies getting dressed up for the muscleheads. It was definitely better, but still some absurd behaviour– like a woman lifting weights in a leopard faux fur jacket, or a lady talking on the cell phone while hogging the machine for 10 minutes to do so.
Now I go to a yoga studio, and there’s a whole ‘nother breed of douche… but that’s a story for another time.
You’re so not a gym douchebag, but eghh its almost enough to make me not want to go. I’m so sick of them assholes. And trainers? are the worst!
I go to the gym for me, not for anything else.
Let’s just say I am glad I live in a beautiful place where I can get my workout outdoors nearly every day of the year. Don’t miss gym douches one bit – but I guess I could rant about all those outdoorsy douches that look like REI explosions and they are not even dirty – ughh.
Try coming to the gym in New Jersey. You’ll definitely see some douche bags. As an example I was standing at the urinal trying to piss and some guy came up to the urinal next to me and started grunting and breathing heavily like he was about to lift 400 lbs. This promptly caused my shy bladder to suffer from stage fright and I had to leave the bathroom and come back so I could finish taking a leak.
Also, did you know your boob is coming out of your shirt in that yoga pose? Awesome.
Ahhh the gym. One of my favorites are the tiny 18 year old girls in tiny shorts who just wander around looking at everyone but never actually work out.
I’m pretty much at my grossest at the gym, I could NEVER pick someone up, hair frizzy, face red, pit stains and and all shiny, yuck!
There is this naked old woman wandering around the locker room at my gym, she seems to be psychic as she always knows when I am going to be there and is there waiting for me. She wanders around, NOT getting dressed and showers with the shower curtain open. Once she was standing in the shower hall way, blocking my way when I tried to exit the shower, I had to squeeze past her.
I can beat your naked old woman. My gym used to have a tall old man who enjoyed shaving naked following his workout. Everyday I would come in the locker room to see his naked, pale old man ass in front of the sink. Even better, he was at such a height that his saggy old man balls would rest on the sink while he shaved. The management must have received complaints about Balls On Sink (BOS, my nickname for him) because one day I came into the locker room and he was still naked but he had his balls resting on a towel on top of the sink.
Ew, yeah I have heard that the men’s locker room is worse. My husband told me about a dude who used a hair drier to dry his pubes every morning, or that men like to sit on the wooden benches naked regularly. Being a woman I am thankful to have never experienced any of this. Thanks for the story!
Hahahahahaha. You’re f-king hilarious. Unfortunately, I don’t really have any gym douchebag stories. One time I was the douchebag when I accidentally changed all the tv channels in the cardio room. (I was only trying to change my tv which I had checked noone was watching…) Those nasty stares still haunt me. haha
I never talk to a woman I don’t know at the gym…I don’t want to be that guy.
@lin: total d-bag move!
@Phronk: totally agree! and i’m sure the tipping people are just trying to be helpful, but i hate when they’re know-it-alls.
@maggie: hahaha, i actually MUCH prefer it to the one in the mall! and i don’t wash off my mascara, it’s my one HUUUGE vanity thing i can’t part with.
@Ben: i had to look that up…you LEFT them on?! that is HILARIOUS
@Eric: Hahahahaha, that is AWESOME. i had no idea SK was like that
@J: yeah, i see some girls wearing mega booty shorts sometimes. like wtf?
@PP: first, thanks for commenting! love having new readers. second, i used to attend an all-female gym too, i LOVED it..but i had to switch when i moved. i generally stick to the woman’s only room in the gym, that helps a little
@Carissa: UGHH i know! i became really friendly with one trainer until she started giving me the cold shoulder when i turned down her sessions, hahaha
@Chris: same! can’t help but look sometimes though. hehe.
@Amiee: TOTALLY! when summer rolls around i spend a lot more time outdoors. best place to do it…always a change of scenery, always something new to do
@Kyle: OMG at the saggy old man balls resting on the sink. that is AMAZING. also, not me in the pic, but wow that is some impressive side-boob
@Hey Lady: hahaha, yeah, i think guys are more open about wandering around nekkid…i’ve only seen a few boobs. i prefer the change room!
@nancy: LOL! oh god, terrible! i was once walking on the treadmill and reading some notes for class and i lost my papers ALL OVER the treadmill..i tried to laugh it off while people stared. it was pretty awful.
@OG: i think it can be done tastefully, just not…douchebaggy?
Oh boy, I don’t think you’d like our gyms in South Florida all that much…..
I was laughing out loud as I read this. Great post. And exactly the reasons why I stay the hell away from the gym. As a guy, I could give countless examples too. So I bought my own gym and put it in my basement! But yeah, there are a ton of D-Bags at the gyms around here. It’s either meat-market central or wanna-be-no-neck cage fighters walking around. I don’t know which one is worse!
P.S. My wife would probably deny it, but I swear I saw her putting on make-up before going to the tanning salon once!
I actually have a post on this same topic in my drafts files.
I go to the University Gym, so I don’t see any old people, but I do see the guys that feel their biceps after every weight lift. Lame-o!
How about those douchebags who leave the water running while shaving or brushing their teeth?? I see that a lot at my gym locker room. I mean, I’m not a radical tree hugging environmentalist, but c’mon, that’s a lot of water being wasted.
nice, i hate the gym. push ups, vhs tape yoga, and a 3 mile run every 2 days is all i need.