1. If you don’t establish some sort of routine, or get out of the house every now and then, you will eventually end up going out for a casual drink five nights a week.

2. Men are not impressed when you tell them you’re on a hippie self-discovery trip because you were laid off from your job. Conversely, every 21 year old you encounter will hit on you.

3. You’re given permission to find simple joys in things, like bins filled with chocolate at the grocery store, and giant blueberry emblems, and chirping crickets.

4. Your friends will think you are available to get drunk with them at any time, and usually, they’re right. Then the Friday nights when you really need a good night out, you find yourself sitting at home watching South Park and drinking disgusting beer you only bought because it was the cheapest at the liquor store while two Great Danes hover over you drooling profusely.

5. Freedom is just as terrifying as a lifetime of misery being chained to an office cube.

6. Every possible unexpected expense will pop up in a very short timeframe, like one week, and all the credit card debt you’ve paid off will start rising again.

7. You will think differently about yourself, doubt yourself, and question every one of your motives. You will get discouraged, consider yourself a loser, reconsider going back to school. Then you will flirt with younger men because despite being only 24 years old, you feel too old to be unemployed, broke, and not sure what the fuck to do next.

8. You will get moments of extreme, insufferable loneliness.

9. You will spend more money on entertainment than on groceries, but you’ll never actually lose weight.

10. Not having health insurance and paying $30 for antibiotics makes you want to never see a doctor again.

11. You learn who your real friends are, and the true colours of others. Sometimes this is a painful lesson. Sometimes it makes you want to punch someone in the balls.

12. Pressure to settle down, get married, have 300 babies and spend a lifetime cleaning up dog shit is imminent and considered the only real life path, and one not to be deviated from (as is the opinion of most).

13. That being said, dogs provide great company while everyone else is at work. Plus they’re usually willing to lend a free hug every now and then.

14. Life is fun. Like really, really fun.

15. Clean underwear is not considered clean if it’s merely turned inside out. Bring extra underwear on roadtrips for this reason.

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14 Responses

  1. I don’t have insurance either. I’ve learned to either a. take ibuprofen for everything or b. start downing a glass of $2 Trader Joes wine. I’d almost rather be unemployed with all the lame part time jobs I have.

  2. It’s a good time to be unemployed as the gov’t offers 99 weeks of assistance! Have the time of your life!

  3. Jaime D. says:

    OMG I LOVE THAT IS HILARIOUS!!! Hope everything is going well~

  4. maggie says:

    love the photo :)

    ollie misses you, by the way. Though, he is now much more excited when I come home comapred to when you were walking him… maybe he was getting to like you TOO much ;P

    life is really really fun :) and maybe you being laid off helped me learn that one as well ;D
    Here’s hoping this time next year you’re writting about the things you learned being self employed and loving your job :)

  5. J says:

    That’s a post from my inside my head for sure. It seems like you’re 100% normal.

    One thing to remember, that I have to yell at myself to remember: loneliness is literally just a state of mind. Refuse to be lonely, and after awhile, it turns out…you’re not.

  6. nashe says:

    Well at least life is way fun!! :D And about the loneliness… i don’t even have to be unemployed to feel that way. lol.

  7. linlah says:

    That’s 15 more things than I learned while unemployed, you’ve used your time off better than I did.

  8. Being unemployed sounds awesome and horrible at the same time. Hang in there love!

  9. adam says:

    a few things… 1. totally go for someone younger! i think that’s a good idea – one i wholeheartedly support.

    2. are you sure about that clean underwear thing? because that’s news to me.

    stay cool, candice!

  10. ayngelina says:

    I’ve been unemployed twice and I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to have a routine. The last time was 6 years ago and really did a number on my self esteem as I had no reason to wake up in the morning. But it sounds like you’re handling this very well. Looking forward to your posts.

  11. Carissa says:

    I hate that you were laid off, but it sounds like your finding yourself! And I’m glad you’re having fun!

  12. admin says:

    Hahahaha, thanks everyone. Unemployment does strange things to your head, regardless of freedom. Ayngelina, routine is an absolute MUST, and my biggest downfall at the moment. I do believe I need my own apartment away from the world.

    Adam, I think that only works for men! Hah.

    Maggie, I keep telling Jo stories about all the adorable things that Ollie does. I think she’s annoyed.

  13. Keith says:

    Good, insightful list. Especially found the “freedom is terrifying” one interesting.

  14. Kyle says:

    I believe freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose or at least that’s what Bobby McGee thought.

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