I used to believe in fate. I had fate all figured out, and all I had to do was follow my heart or go with my gut instinct. How else did I wind up getting my English degree and then a great job, even though the odds were against me?

But now everything feels…ambiguous. One second I’m gung-ho on living this freedom, being my own boss, coming and going as I please. But good gravy, it’s freaking exhausting. Other days I just want the suburban house, with hardwood floors and pretty floral drapes and a kitchen complete with all the utensils required for having company in for a turkey dinner. I’d even have special, green-trimmed napkins. I already know my wedding colours will be blue and white (And yes, I’m single. Can you fucking believe that?).

I mean, that’s the right path, huh? The college education and the career and the babies and the husband who will eventually leave me for a younger blonde who wears lacy pink lingerie.

So I came to Halifax hoping to find some meaning in all this, but I’m finding the opposite. I’m confused. I want to move here, but I don’t. I need to be free from Newfoundland for awhile, but my heart aches for St. John’s and my friends. I’ve been having a blast, tripping all around the province, meeting new people and enjoying a change of scenery. But I’ve become entirely irresponsible, putting off bill payments and being careless. It’s all so unlike me.

Life is amazing and I’m a very fortunate person, but this summer has been one hard reality after another. Things just aren’t…working out. People are ignoring my resumes. I lost a friendship this week after facing the fact that I cared a hundred times more about the person than they cared about me. Can’t tell you how much of a kick in the gut life has been.

So I’m throwing myself into a new badass business plan, one that makes me more and more excited as I’m writing. If I can pull this off successfully and professionally, which I’m positive I can, I’ll be location independent AND my own boss. I’ve got the right connections, the right know-how. I’m more determined than ever, especially now that some loved-ones back home don’t seem to have faith in me. You know what pushes me harder than the need to sustain my lifestyle? Pride.

This means I’ll be dropping back on a lot of online content writing outside of Matador Network. I simply can’t pour all my energy into writing articles offering pay that will barely cover my grocery bill. Some of you are quite amazing at handling this minimalist lifestyle. I, however, am not. I’m wandering around this chilly city wearing sandals because I can’t afford shoes.

Turns out it was action all along that pulled me through, not fate. Fate can make a person lazy.

(Photo: St_A_Sh)

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10 Responses

  1. Robin says:

    Ah, my friend I wish I could tell you that what you are going through is just a normal part of growing up and it will pass. And some will say that, but it’s bullshit.

    Over the years I know I have gotten much better at dealing with the ambiguous feelings life constantly presents me with. Be careful girl, if you’re NOT feeling ambiguous, then your mind has closed. The dissonance in you mind means you are awake!

    You know it’s not fate, the Gods or any other magical force; It’s always been up to you; you and everyone that has an effect on you – which adds this huge amount of randomness, ‘luck’. And you’ve had some bad luck lately. You have faith in You and that is the most important thing (I have faith in you too if that means anything).

    Btw; I’d bet it is going to be lacy RED lingerie that draws your future ex-husband away; that bastard!

  2. maggie says:

    You’ve been having an amazing, amazing year. Amazing may not always be good, but I think in the end it’ll all come out on top. I have so much faith in you and your business plan, you have no idea :)
    And as much as I bellyache about coming home soon please, I will learn to cope if you don’t ;) You do what you need to do.

    Y’know, though, your tale doesn’t make me stop believing in fate… I think you just had fate misunderstood ;) Just because something was meant to be, doesn’t mean it was meant to be easy. You might never have found the drive to do this business plan thing if you hadn’t have had the year you’ve had. I always believe things happen for a reason, just sometimes it’s hard to see that reason. I find it useless to look for the meaning in anything until after it’s passed and the waves have settled, though… ;)

  3. Your heart only aches because you coming here is such a recent event in life. Wait till you actually spend some time here. Then it will seem more the opposite “Why would I want to return to the isolation” (unless you are into that, nothing wrong with it).

    As for becoming irresponsible! PAY YOUR BILLS! If you want to travel and see the world you will want as little as possible holding you back, including what could rapidly become a several hundred dollar phone bill or what ever.

    There is lot’s of world to see and you will never see it all so don’t rush it. It will all come in time. Just make sure you take care of the needs of the day and plan for the wants of tomorrow and you will do amazing things.

  4. J says:

    I love that you’re being so positive and proactive. It inspires me. :)

  5. girl, i’ve always been in your corner! i am quite sure i know exactly how you feel as i went through the same process after getting laid off.

    its a time for reinvention.

    and trust me, life doesn’t stop kicking you in the ass. having a good career helps, but when you get to 28 and still can’t figure out what the hell you want – it’s difficult!!!


  6. Taylor says:

    The hard times and the confusion are part of your fate, and part of your journey. You might not realize it now, but I’ll bet you look back at these days in the future and say “YEAH. I had to go through that to get here. I get it now.”

    Good luck, girl :)

  7. Great post hun! You’ve said one of the most important lessons in life: It is only your own hard work and determination that can get you where you want to be. From what you’ve said here, the new plan sounds awesome. I’ll be rooting for ya!

  8. linlah says:

    I’m positive you can to, you’ve put your mind to it and that is most of what it takes.

  9. AdventureRob says:

    Totally understand what you’re going through, being unemployed is a 2 edged sword. It’s like the travel/money balance.

    You need money to travel, you need to stop travelling to make money. Even those travel blogs who make money as they go along you’ll find have actually stopped travelling to do so if you read between the lines.

    Even the ones that make money from blogging – well they certainly aren’t getting it from writing an article in the morning then swimming with dolphins in the afternoon, they are spending the afternoon promoting the article from the morning in an attempt to get paid for it.

  10. admin says:

    damn guys, you’re all my personal little support network and i appreciate all the input. i’m also surprised you all label me as optimistic, because i often feel far from optimistic lately, hahaha. thanks for the kind words!

    maggie, interesting thought about the fate thing, i think you might be right.

    chris, i’m completely baffled by how isolated newfoundland is now that i’m actually here. it’s like a whole different world, and even the most well-travelled people haven’t been there. but i think my heart will always belong to there, and it’s not something i can quite shake so easily.

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