I used to believe in fate. I had fate all figured out, and all I had to do was follow my heart or go with my gut instinct. How else did I wind up getting my English degree and then a great job, even though the odds were against me?
But now everything feels…ambiguous. One second I’m gung-ho on living this freedom, being my own boss, coming and going as I please. But good gravy, it’s freaking exhausting. Other days I just want the suburban house, with hardwood floors and pretty floral drapes and a kitchen complete with all the utensils required for having company in for a turkey dinner. I’d even have special, green-trimmed napkins. I already know my wedding colours will be blue and white (And yes, I’m single. Can you fucking believe that?).
I mean, that’s the right path, huh? The college education and the career and the babies and the husband who will eventually leave me for a younger blonde who wears lacy pink lingerie.
So I came to Halifax hoping to find some meaning in all this, but I’m finding the opposite. I’m confused. I want to move here, but I don’t. I need to be free from Newfoundland for awhile, but my heart aches for St. John’s and my friends. I’ve been having a blast, tripping all around the province, meeting new people and enjoying a change of scenery. But I’ve become entirely irresponsible, putting off bill payments and being careless. It’s all so unlike me.
Life is amazing and I’m a very fortunate person, but this summer has been one hard reality after another. Things just aren’t…working out. People are ignoring my resumes. I lost a friendship this week after facing the fact that I cared a hundred times more about the person than they cared about me. Can’t tell you how much of a kick in the gut life has been.
So I’m throwing myself into a new badass business plan, one that makes me more and more excited as I’m writing. If I can pull this off successfully and professionally, which I’m positive I can, I’ll be location independent AND my own boss. I’ve got the right connections, the right know-how. I’m more determined than ever, especially now that some loved-ones back home don’t seem to have faith in me. You know what pushes me harder than the need to sustain my lifestyle? Pride.
This means I’ll be dropping back on a lot of online content writing outside of Matador Network. I simply can’t pour all my energy into writing articles offering pay that will barely cover my grocery bill. Some of you are quite amazing at handling this minimalist lifestyle. I, however, am not. I’m wandering around this chilly city wearing sandals because I can’t afford shoes.
Turns out it was action all along that pulled me through, not fate. Fate can make a person lazy.