**I published this post last night, then made it private. Now I’m publishing again, because the minute I start censoring myself, I’m already failing as a writer. Also, there’s only so often I can write about how drunk I got on Friday.

I sat back today at my kitchen table earlier, tears streaming down my face, after receiving yet another very sweet, kindly worded rejection letter from a job position I wanted very badly. I knew I wasn’t getting it; things weren’t going in my favour. I have all of two kinda-sorta possibilities remaining, and one is another tech writing position.

When I told Chef later, he said, “But you didn’t really want it.” I asked what he meant and he said, “Well, you just didn’t seem like you were excited about it.”

He’s wrong, I did want it. The problem is I’ve lost all confidence in my ability to do anything. I’m not sure what my talents are anymore, or where my ambitions lie. I see jobs that are perfect for me but they’re perfect for 1000 other people too. I’ve been rejected by twice as many men as I have been rejected by jobs, but for some reason this stings more.

It’s infuriating that our careers can define us in this way. The next time you’re out somewhere, try telling someone a writer. Later, try telling someone you’re a doctor.

Dawne calls this part the “black hole of unemployment.” I’ve stopped going to the gym, I just don’t care to leave the house. I’m filled with self doubt and self pity and I spend hours upon hours scouring the Internet for jobs, letting people know I’m open. Flailing my arms around trying to get someone’s fucking attention.

What kind of job do I want anyway? Should I accept any kind of writing job? Should I hold out until the dream job comes along? Should I go back to the office?

I realize I’m wasting my golden opportunity. I ditched the cube, hooray. The cube ditched me. I can take my near maxed-out credit card and go travel, ignore my student debt and find some work as a bartender in Europe. Do you think I can get to New Zealand and find a place to live for $1000? I want to travel, travel, travel.

And how can I keep writing about things I love to write if I stop having new experiences?

In two years, I paid off huge chunks of debt. Huge. This was my ultimate goal, to deplete my financial burdens quickly. Now I’m watching it all come undone. One unexpected expense on top of another. The dentist the lost cell phone the wallet being stolen. Bills, bills, bills. Can you pay my telephone bills?

After last week’s royal engagement was announced, some big-wig entertainment site posted a photo essay of celebs with their massive engagement rings. Some were worth $500,000 or more. I want to shake someone because it doesn’t make sense. Do you realize just $30,000 would change my life? I’m not poor by any means but come on.

Maybe I’ll go back to school. Maybe I’ll stay in St. John’s. Maybe my EI benefits need to run out so I can make a freaking decision.

Believe me, I know this is the wrong attitude to have, and any potential employer wouldn’t be impressed by reading this. I’m not expecting sympathy here, I’m just having a bad week. Also, can’t figure out how to disable my fucking comments.

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23 Responses

  1. We have it so tough as a generation. We were told we had to go to college to get a real world job and now not even that is a sure thing. I keep saying I want to be a writer, but I’m doing unpaid internships to be able to do even the crappiest of writing. But I absolutely know something good will happen for you very soon.

  2. nashe says:

    ))): i hate how things don’t work out for great people.

  3. AdventureRob says:

    A lot of us have been their Candice, maybe you should widen your field of vision. Even if you have to take a job flipping burgers, it sorts out a few other problems (financial) while you can still search for that dream job.

    Personally I wouldn’t recommend going for a dream job, I’m not sure such a thing exists that’s why.

  4. Robin says:

    Candice – I feel for you. It is tough out there right now, the economy sucks. So it is not just you. In fact it really has very little to do with you.

    That said, to answer you rhetorical question: you SHOULD accept any kind of writing job –you should accept ANY job – period. I’m not saying this to be mean. I really like you and think you are a great person. The thing is…look at the first comment Caroline in the City wrote: “We have it so tough as a generation”. Bullshit. More like the “I’m entitled” generation. There are people STARVING out there. You know the world does not owe you anything. Listen, the economy sucks! JUST TAKE ANY JOB YOU CAN GET and consider yourself lucky you can feed yourself! The dream job just has wait.

    Having ANY job will give you back you confidence. Bring in cash. Open up new doors. If you can find a job washing dishes – take it! It can open up new experiences for you that you would never have thought.

    But – You already know this.

    • Candice says:

      I’m still on EI support for a few months, but yes, I will take any job I can when the time comes. Or move abroad, whichever works.

      Trust me, I know there are others worse off! As for the entitlement thing, I once wrote a whole article on this, hahaha. My generation demands a lot but we’ve been promised a lot. If I had my time back, I would have saved money to attend university rather than blindly accepting it as the “only way.”

  5. Sarah says:

    You are not your job.

    Sometimes you just gotta shovel shit to get the bills paid, but as long as you’re still pursuing your dreams — even in some small thankless way — you’re doing better than a lot of people out there.

    You could always come out to Cali, sleep on my couch, and cuddle with my dog. :)

  6. Ivy says:

    You strike me as somebody who doesn’t care for wealth and fame, rather like you just want to make a living with a job you love. So, in my opinion, there’s nothing to stress out about. You’ve tackled the major issue of getting a degree, and you have experience. So what if that dream job has you waiting for some longer?
    I’ve been unemployed, and it’s driven me crazy. Too much time feeling useless, unproductive, and too much time for overthinking stuff. Get some kind of job, if just to get out of the house. Try bartending or waitressing (pretty women get tipped real well. Especially gingers. Done it before. :D ), or whatever, just to add some routine and novelty to your daily life. It really helps.
    As for me, I’ve worked three jobs for three months and now I’m travelling for half a year.
    Why not save up some money while working something shitty (just think of all the great blog stories you’d get. I’ve been proposed a lot of money to a) give a fat guy a foot job and b) to carry out a gay couple’s baby. Priceless.), then move to a really cool but really cheap place like Thailand, from there, work on your business plan, and then move to Greece all location independent with new spirits and hot (or hairy) men.
    That’s what I would do, at least. If you ultimately want to run your own business anyways, just start now.

    • Candice says:

      Hehehe Ivy, I ADORE your plan. I’m in! People keep telling me to bartend lately. Might have to make a career out of it while I’m still young. Hahaha.

  7. Kate says:

    I wrote this post and I have it scheduled to post on Tuesday. I keep want to go and go make my post private too. It was healing for me to read that you have the same feelings as I do. On Wednesday I went for breakfast with my old co-workers and broke down right in the middle of eating. It’s amazing how similar we are experiencing the same event in our lives…even though our lives are so different. Unemployment is unemployment is unemployment. It sucks for everyone!!

    I hope that I have the courage you showed to post what I am experiencing. I have tried to explain what I am going through to my close family and friends and they don’t get it.

    • Candice says:

      Kate, you’re right, it’s kinda crazy. I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same situation, it’s a tough one. I haven’t seen many of my co-workers since I was laid off, although I’ve been invited out with them. I just don’t think I’m ready.

      Hang in there!

  8. linlah says:

    The black hole is a hateful bitch but you need to just say this is what I want and then go do it.

    Go do it. Get on the bus, the train, the plane, the whatever and go do it.

  9. Sabina says:

    I don’t think you’re wasting your golden opportunity. You’re trying to find a job. Believe me, experience tells me money and employment are more important than travel. After you do find a job, and after you’ve been working at it for few years maybe you can leave it behind with some money in your pocket and travel. It sounds like now might not really be the right time.

    • Candice says:

      Yeah, the problem is finding that job though. Feels virtually impossible at the moment. I’ve only had a handful of positions pop up since July, but I’m scouring the Internet daily. We’ll see!

  10. Taylor says:

    Personally, I think the job rejection stings more because writing is such a creative, personal process. At least that’s how it goes for me. It always upsets me when somebody doesn’t like my writing because I feel like it’s a part of me, in a way. I pour myself into my writing.

    Good luck, girl. Don’t lose hope, ok? Get back to the gym, stay motivated and positive, and things WILL work out in the end, I promise :)

    • Candice says:

      I totally agree, and it’s one of my biggest limiting factors. I haven’t quite mastered how to deal with criticism yet, no matter how constructive.

      Thanks, Taylor! You’ll be glad to know I’m back at the gym full force. ;)

  11. maggie says:

    so if you can’t figure out how to disable comments, does that mean you don’t want comments? ;)

    I’m pretty sure I’ve said what I need to say without commenting here. . . but still. I can’t help it. compulsive commenter. ;)

    i’ve never been in exactly your position… and i get to legit say “doctor” when people ask what i do, and i used to say “receptionist” so I know it makes a difference… but i’m familiar with the black hole :S and i hope the kick in the pants you will eventually get to boot you out of that hole is nothing overly catastrophic. Maybe you’ll buck the trend and get an insanely positive kick in the pants :) but whatever happens, i will always be here for you :) (and so will Ollie!)

  12. Candice says:

    I’m going to respond to these all later, but thank you for your kind words, everyone! It means a lot to me.

  13. Deidre says:

    I’m with you! I am unemployed AND living abroad. And it’s tough. It really is. It’s so hard to be upbeat all the time, but I think it’s important to recognise the unemployment blues as just that.

    Keep looking. something is bound to come up…and if not there is always living off coconuts in Tahiti.

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